Feeling the weight and dealing with white liars

I am oft-criticised for taking on other people's problems when I quite clearly have enough of my own. However, in a way, it is quite therapeutic for me. Basically, because I have such low self esteem and sense of negligible self worth, that when others confide in me the darkest parts of their mind I actually take some credit in the fact I am so trusted.

Strange, and slightly sad.

On the other side of this rusted coin, I also find myself too emotionally attached to people with problems, and begin to "care" too much. If there can be such a thing. This means that when they abuse my trust slightly, it hurts quite a lot. The worst type of abuse in this sense is the "white lie". The kind of lie that, on its own, isn't really very bad, but in the context of how much I hate them, very bad and effective indeed.

Basically, a friend has lied to me, about more than one thing, and the content of the lie is not the problem. I gave them the opportunity (more than once) to change their story, but they've chosen not to. Unfortunately, this person has told me many "white" lies before, and they all build up to a complete breakdown of trust.

I'll always be there for them, but I'll never truly believe the words they speak to me.

In Code

I was surprised, this afternoon, at my own reaction to news that I knew would be coming soon.
Nevertheless, I was still winded by it, and actually felt worse than I thought I would.

The worst part, though, was not the content of what I was told, but the way in which it highlighted how little this person thought of me. A friend, or so they say.

As a friend, in the truest sense of the word, I am quite open and will tell those close to me anything I think/do/feel*(*delete as appropriate) - So, why is this too much to expect of others? It's worse having to use my imagination to fill in the blanks, as my imagination is particularly destructive.

I've given up on humanity. Perhaps i "care" too much

?

pain

It's hard to describe in black & white (or the spoken word) exactly how "It" feels.

"It" being a sense of pain, but not the tangible kind that comes with a physical injury.
It's like a permanent emotional scar that aches, waiting to be opened up, inverting until it swallows you whole and there is nothing to do but allow yourself to be washed over with pure despair and mental agony.

I'm on the edge, and even that is enough to make me want to stop feeling. Completely.

Survival

for 2/3 days I've started to slip.
Wanting to end it all - again - which hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for some time.

I have no real reason to be this way, which is why I feel that this inadequate life of mine may come to a premature end.

Feel a bit better at the moment, but, for how long?

Music. Again

It's strange how song lyrics can often so accurately reflect how I feel.

Green Day - I want to be alone.
I lock myself inside my room
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Its been disturbed by my thoughts
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To heck with your helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me
That's all