Oh no

I'm not really posting here very much anymore.

Maybe I will in my most Black Dog of days.

But otherwise, you know where to find me.

Secrets.

This is my 'secret' blog

I have my own website now, but everyone knows who I really am there, so I can't say the kind of things I say here.

The truth, in essence.

But, the truth is too painful for some to hear, too uncomfortable. It's also awkward, and I don't want the attention.

Am I boring you?

Just asking.

Because I'm definitely boring myself.

Excuse the following language, but rather than a lack of vocabulary on my part it is sometimes the only thing that really expresses one's true thoughts.

I'm fucking mental, and I'm fucking sick of it.

Why don't I have the strength to make myself happy? Why do I have to plod along in such a depressive way, trying to prop myself up on double doses of Prozac, whilst wishing things were different.

In the words of the Blue Oyster Cult, don't fear the reaper. I don't, but I wish he'd hurry the fuck up.

No more work for a while

Haven't had the best of times lately, which for me must mean things are pretty damn bad. It's irritating to know that your life is, ostensibly, a good one. I bet there's a billion people who wouldn't mind trading.

Nevertheless, I have had a few Doctor's appointments and counselling sessions over the past few weeks. I have been signed off work, my medication doubled, and a referral to the mental health team/psychiatrist to look forward to. Yay.

I got up today, feeling crap. And I know I'll feel a bit better as the day goes on, but it's so frustrating. I've been productive, yet still feel low. Why can't I just control my moods a little bit? You know... Like a normal person.

found out

Damn. My GF has rumbled me..... That I have a blog.
I don't really want to share it, as it's purely a cathartic release on my part, and not a cry for help or attention seeking tool. I don't want to be analysed for all my bizarre thoughts. I know I'm mental, and this is just another piece of evidence to support that fact!

Had a bad start to the day today. Felt a bit down. But, a bit of DIY (which I don't enjoy) has made me feel a bit better. I guess it was the sweating that came from lifting too-heavy boxes into the loft. It must be true what they say...

In the waiting room

sat in the waiting room of my occupational health department, awaiting my 2nd session. 2nd session of this stint anyway.

knackered

Psychologically not too bad.

Physically aching!

the flipside

I guess it's only fair to post on a good day, as well as a bad one!

Today is my last day off work, but i'm in a decent mood. Sat down, playing xbox, and all is well.

Nice.

Lower

Feeling so low, almost without hope.
Need friendship, reassurance, positivity.
But, I have none.

I don't know how long I can survive like this.

this is NOT an apology

I would like to say I'm sorry, but how can I be sorry for something which is a part of who I am?
Please look at this from my point of view.

I have ALWAYS been there for you. Answering calls at any time of day, being there for you, giving you time, money, advice and support whenever you've needed it. All I'm asking for is simple: The same in return. However, because you find yourself otherwise preoccupied, I am no longer worth having as a simple friend?. I know this may not make "him" happy, but if you cared about me as much as you said you did, then you would defend me, and explain to him what a good and important friend I've been to you. But NOT EVEN defending me enough to add me on Facebook? It makes me feel worthless.

Feeling worthless, on top of all my other severe depressed feelings pushes me into absolute despair.

I respect that you are seeing how things go. But, I am a long term, close and valuable friend. If he can't accept that we must at least keep in touch, then he does not respect you enough to have your own mind. I don't know why you have suddenly abandoned me at a time when I needed you most. But, I am surprised you value me so little that you can't even tell your new bloke to accept that friends are an important part of your life and you won't give them up for him.

I cannot handle rejection, and being ignored.

Exam stress

At 10am tomorrow morning, I will be sitting the sergeant's exam.
Not as prepared as I could be, but I *can* pass.

Nevertheless, my mind is a bit elsewhere with a good friend no longer wanting to be a friend as she now has a man in her life. I don't mind rejection, but for someone who says they care to suddenly not give a toss is a bit much to take.

Oh well. Exams, exams, exams...

Super-depressed

Ironic how the word super can precede a word, and actually make it worse!
Oh, I'm rambling, yes.

Very down today, due to losing a friend who cares not.

Doubled up on the Prozac, so will live. For now.

is not well...

I am partly the architect of my own demise.

But, at the same time, it takes 2 to tango.

Nevertheless, I find myself in a relationship with someone whose aggression and defiance make it impossible for me (thanks to my natural stubbornness and misery) to be as understanding as I should.

Failing to give someone proper directions today has potentially lead to the end of this relationship, and some significant financial fallout on both sides. Although I hope this is not the case.

What to do?

Be alone. Completely.

Good answer.

Feeling the weight and dealing with white liars

I am oft-criticised for taking on other people's problems when I quite clearly have enough of my own. However, in a way, it is quite therapeutic for me. Basically, because I have such low self esteem and sense of negligible self worth, that when others confide in me the darkest parts of their mind I actually take some credit in the fact I am so trusted.

Strange, and slightly sad.

On the other side of this rusted coin, I also find myself too emotionally attached to people with problems, and begin to "care" too much. If there can be such a thing. This means that when they abuse my trust slightly, it hurts quite a lot. The worst type of abuse in this sense is the "white lie". The kind of lie that, on its own, isn't really very bad, but in the context of how much I hate them, very bad and effective indeed.

Basically, a friend has lied to me, about more than one thing, and the content of the lie is not the problem. I gave them the opportunity (more than once) to change their story, but they've chosen not to. Unfortunately, this person has told me many "white" lies before, and they all build up to a complete breakdown of trust.

I'll always be there for them, but I'll never truly believe the words they speak to me.

In Code

I was surprised, this afternoon, at my own reaction to news that I knew would be coming soon.
Nevertheless, I was still winded by it, and actually felt worse than I thought I would.

The worst part, though, was not the content of what I was told, but the way in which it highlighted how little this person thought of me. A friend, or so they say.

As a friend, in the truest sense of the word, I am quite open and will tell those close to me anything I think/do/feel*(*delete as appropriate) - So, why is this too much to expect of others? It's worse having to use my imagination to fill in the blanks, as my imagination is particularly destructive.

I've given up on humanity. Perhaps i "care" too much

?

pain

It's hard to describe in black & white (or the spoken word) exactly how "It" feels.

"It" being a sense of pain, but not the tangible kind that comes with a physical injury.
It's like a permanent emotional scar that aches, waiting to be opened up, inverting until it swallows you whole and there is nothing to do but allow yourself to be washed over with pure despair and mental agony.

I'm on the edge, and even that is enough to make me want to stop feeling. Completely.

Survival

for 2/3 days I've started to slip.
Wanting to end it all - again - which hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for some time.

I have no real reason to be this way, which is why I feel that this inadequate life of mine may come to a premature end.

Feel a bit better at the moment, but, for how long?

Music. Again

It's strange how song lyrics can often so accurately reflect how I feel.

Green Day - I want to be alone.
I lock myself inside my room
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Its been disturbed by my thoughts
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To heck with your helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me
That's all

*deleted*