I am partly the architect of my own demise.
But, at the same time, it takes 2 to tango.
Nevertheless, I find myself in a relationship with someone whose aggression and defiance make it impossible for me (thanks to my natural stubbornness and misery) to be as understanding as I should.
Failing to give someone proper directions today has potentially lead to the end of this relationship, and some significant financial fallout on both sides. Although I hope this is not the case.
What to do?
Be alone. Completely.
Good answer.
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Feeling the weight and dealing with white liars
I am oft-criticised for taking on other people's problems when I quite clearly have enough of my own. However, in a way, it is quite therapeutic for me. Basically, because I have such low self esteem and sense of negligible self worth, that when others confide in me the darkest parts of their mind I actually take some credit in the fact I am so trusted.
Strange, and slightly sad.
On the other side of this rusted coin, I also find myself too emotionally attached to people with problems, and begin to "care" too much. If there can be such a thing. This means that when they abuse my trust slightly, it hurts quite a lot. The worst type of abuse in this sense is the "white lie". The kind of lie that, on its own, isn't really very bad, but in the context of how much I hate them, very bad and effective indeed.
Basically, a friend has lied to me, about more than one thing, and the content of the lie is not the problem. I gave them the opportunity (more than once) to change their story, but they've chosen not to. Unfortunately, this person has told me many "white" lies before, and they all build up to a complete breakdown of trust.
I'll always be there for them, but I'll never truly believe the words they speak to me.
Strange, and slightly sad.
On the other side of this rusted coin, I also find myself too emotionally attached to people with problems, and begin to "care" too much. If there can be such a thing. This means that when they abuse my trust slightly, it hurts quite a lot. The worst type of abuse in this sense is the "white lie". The kind of lie that, on its own, isn't really very bad, but in the context of how much I hate them, very bad and effective indeed.
Basically, a friend has lied to me, about more than one thing, and the content of the lie is not the problem. I gave them the opportunity (more than once) to change their story, but they've chosen not to. Unfortunately, this person has told me many "white" lies before, and they all build up to a complete breakdown of trust.
I'll always be there for them, but I'll never truly believe the words they speak to me.
Monday, 25 August 2008
In Code
I was surprised, this afternoon, at my own reaction to news that I knew would be coming soon.
Nevertheless, I was still winded by it, and actually felt worse than I thought I would.
The worst part, though, was not the content of what I was told, but the way in which it highlighted how little this person thought of me. A friend, or so they say.
As a friend, in the truest sense of the word, I am quite open and will tell those close to me anything I think/do/feel*(*delete as appropriate) - So, why is this too much to expect of others? It's worse having to use my imagination to fill in the blanks, as my imagination is particularly destructive.
I've given up on humanity. Perhaps i "care" too much
?
Nevertheless, I was still winded by it, and actually felt worse than I thought I would.
The worst part, though, was not the content of what I was told, but the way in which it highlighted how little this person thought of me. A friend, or so they say.
As a friend, in the truest sense of the word, I am quite open and will tell those close to me anything I think/do/feel*(*delete as appropriate) - So, why is this too much to expect of others? It's worse having to use my imagination to fill in the blanks, as my imagination is particularly destructive.
I've given up on humanity. Perhaps i "care" too much
?
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
pain
It's hard to describe in black & white (or the spoken word) exactly how "It" feels.
"It" being a sense of pain, but not the tangible kind that comes with a physical injury.
It's like a permanent emotional scar that aches, waiting to be opened up, inverting until it swallows you whole and there is nothing to do but allow yourself to be washed over with pure despair and mental agony.
I'm on the edge, and even that is enough to make me want to stop feeling. Completely.
"It" being a sense of pain, but not the tangible kind that comes with a physical injury.
It's like a permanent emotional scar that aches, waiting to be opened up, inverting until it swallows you whole and there is nothing to do but allow yourself to be washed over with pure despair and mental agony.
I'm on the edge, and even that is enough to make me want to stop feeling. Completely.
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Survival
for 2/3 days I've started to slip.
Wanting to end it all - again - which hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for some time.
I have no real reason to be this way, which is why I feel that this inadequate life of mine may come to a premature end.
Feel a bit better at the moment, but, for how long?
Wanting to end it all - again - which hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for some time.
I have no real reason to be this way, which is why I feel that this inadequate life of mine may come to a premature end.
Feel a bit better at the moment, but, for how long?
Saturday, 9 August 2008
Music. Again
It's strange how song lyrics can often so accurately reflect how I feel.
Green Day - I want to be alone.
I lock myself inside my room
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Its been disturbed by my thoughts
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To heck with your helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me
That's all
Green Day - I want to be alone.
I lock myself inside my room
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Its been disturbed by my thoughts
I WANNA BE ALONE
With you around, you'll only add on
I WANNA BE ALONE
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To heck with your helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me
That's all
Monday, 28 July 2008
Friday, 25 July 2008
Blogger
Testing. Testing...
using the Vista sidebar blogger gadget to post this so I won't waffle on in case it doesn't work!
Feeling content today.
using the Vista sidebar blogger gadget to post this so I won't waffle on in case it doesn't work!
Feeling content today.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Aargh - my phone's always on silent...
So frustrating to feel so helpless - I can't win.
I felt annoyed at seemingly being mocked earlier, and was perhaps more blunt than I needed to be, but, didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Now I've been cast aside, like yesterday's news.
For what?
The bluntness?
Or because my phone is always on silent, and I don't always see it when driving?
egocentricity, pettiness or just plain anger issues. Either way, I have my own issues so am not in a position to judge. Just feel frustrated.
I felt annoyed at seemingly being mocked earlier, and was perhaps more blunt than I needed to be, but, didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Now I've been cast aside, like yesterday's news.
For what?
The bluntness?
Or because my phone is always on silent, and I don't always see it when driving?
egocentricity, pettiness or just plain anger issues. Either way, I have my own issues so am not in a position to judge. Just feel frustrated.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Comfortably Numb
Great show by MLC last night, capped off with an encore of the Pink Floyd classic.
I love that song, for a number of reasons, but partly because it sums up so well how I feel most of the time.
Why is it, that even when I'm enjoying myself, I still feel an emptiness inside?
"Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now. I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain, Get you on your feet again.
Relax. I need some information first.
Just the basic facts: Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb."
I love that song, for a number of reasons, but partly because it sums up so well how I feel most of the time.
Why is it, that even when I'm enjoying myself, I still feel an emptiness inside?
"Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now. I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain, Get you on your feet again.
Relax. I need some information first.
Just the basic facts: Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb."
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Stalker
The psychotic swan has a psychotic stalker....
Qu'est-ce que c'est. Fa fa fa faaar fa fa fa fa far far better..... RunRunRunRun Run Run Awaaaaay!
You know who you are ;)
Qu'est-ce que c'est. Fa fa fa faaar fa fa fa fa far far better..... RunRunRunRun Run Run Awaaaaay!
You know who you are ;)
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Not much
Not much to say at the moment. I feel fairly steady.
Anxious in some ways, but that's my natural state, other than psychotic.
It's 10.30pm on Sunday night, and I'm drinking Bacardi n Cranberry Juice alone in my lounge which is probably helping.
Anxious in some ways, but that's my natural state, other than psychotic.
It's 10.30pm on Sunday night, and I'm drinking Bacardi n Cranberry Juice alone in my lounge which is probably helping.
Friday, 11 July 2008
The Swan Unpacked
I sit here (or, more accurately, lie here) on my bed and type my thoughts.
Superficially I am calm, relaxed - straight faced & emotion free, but inside I'm screaming.
Literally screaming.
It feels insane, but I'm aware of it, so am sure I'm not that.
I have an inner anxiety, despair and pain that aches to explode from my head, but it stays there - peaking & troughing throughout the hours as they pass. Nevertheless, my expression remains much the same. I am calm. And relaxed.
I am calm. And relaxed.
Repeat ad infinitum...
Superficially I am calm, relaxed - straight faced & emotion free, but inside I'm screaming.
Literally screaming.
It feels insane, but I'm aware of it, so am sure I'm not that.
I have an inner anxiety, despair and pain that aches to explode from my head, but it stays there - peaking & troughing throughout the hours as they pass. Nevertheless, my expression remains much the same. I am calm. And relaxed.
I am calm. And relaxed.
Repeat ad infinitum...
Me, Myself, and Status updating
In the past, and at my lowest points, I took to writing regular "rants" in a similar blog style on myspace. However, once I thought my demons had been overcome I deleted that myspace account, and with it all my ramblings from the darkest depths of my mind.
In a way I wish I hadn't done that, as I often feel the urge to look back and reflect, perhaps to make me feel better, perhaps worse, but ultimately just to remember how I felt back then.
Since then, I have become an almost Facebook "addict" and regularly updated status with my most blunt of thoughts and feelings. I have restrained from doing that lately as far more people see my facebook statuses (Statusi!?) than ever read my myspace blogs, and actually start to realise that maybe I am actually a little bit psychotic, and not the calm (sometimes grumpy) individual I try so hard to appear to be.
Here are my most recent, and relatively tame statuses:
(I really am restrained. Honest)
Today
Tony is the most psychotic of swans.11:33pm
Tony feels low.10:03pm
Tony is off to feed the George...5:32pm
Yesterday
Tony has a migraine.7:52pm
Tony can't relax let alone sleep! Always having more than one concurrent train of thought is annoying, but more than 2 is simply ridiculous...12:02am
July 9
Tony needs sleep...1:47am
July 8
Tony is offering £100 for a lift from Luton!!!!!10:42am
Tony has missed his flight. Fuck.9:36am
July 7
Tony will be in Auschwitz and Birkenau today.2:11pm
Tony is off to auschwitz with a stereotyping plum!10:26am
July 5
Tony is in Krakow, with the sunshine!10:48am
Tony is up, and off to the airport...4:48am
July 4
Tony is already at work. Long day ahead, and an early flight after :(.7:35am
July 2
Tony is yawning constantly.8:21pm
July 1
Tony is a bit bored, waiting in A&E. I thought this was all in the past!!3:34pm
June 30
Tony is full of fajitas!!!7:10pm
June 29
Tony didn't gain much comfort from the bad food.10:26pm
Tony is comfort eating.8:33pm
June 28
Tony is quite comfy, and relaxed.12:24pm
June 27
Tony does, ashamedly, like the 'Grease' soundtrack..!8:53pm
Tony Thought butlins was rough. He wasn't wrong.6:35pm
Tony is in 1st gear, still in Weston...4:03pm
Tony is off to Butlins. Hmmmmm...3:20pm
June 26
Tony loves coffee, and doesn't care that it's bad for him!12:32pm
June 25
Tony is, unexpectedly, on his way to see Bon Jovi!4:32pm
June 23
Tony is in bed...Zzzz...10:53pm
June 22
Tony starts from square one again today...11:54pm
Tony is in bed already.9:54pm
Tony is watching the AMERICAN Life on Mars! Weird.1:11pm
June 20
Tony is not impressed with the grey skies.3:42pm
June 19
Tony is a in permanent state of cognitive dissonance.11:45pm
Tony is in bed.11:38pm
Tony doesn't generally give long answers to closed questions ;).11:06pm
Tony is going to be lazy and indulgent this summer's eve...7:01pm
June 18
Tony is achey.3:34pm
Tony woke up 2 hours before his alarm.10:25am
June 17
Tony "I'm one card short of a full deck".11:02pm
Tony isn't quite the ticket.10:59pm
June 16
Tony is in need of rejuvenation.8:02am
June 15
Tony is fuzzy.12:16pm
June 14
Tony off to Alton Towers.8:08am
June 13
Tony is in bed ready for an early start.10:16pm
Tony couldn't be much angrier.8:22pm
Tony It's Been Emotional.2:18pm
June 12
Tony feels the weight of the world.11:39pm
Tony is looking mighty fine. Even if he does say so himself!4:35pm
June 11
Tony has whiplash from his bungee jump!8:19pm
June 10
Tony needs lengthy, uninterrupted sleep. Please.11:07pm
Tony is fat.10:02pm
Tony is irritated with melodramatic kids.5:33pm
Tony is reading about law and stuff. Reet clever like.9:04am
June 9
Tony is in bed.10:17pm
In a way I wish I hadn't done that, as I often feel the urge to look back and reflect, perhaps to make me feel better, perhaps worse, but ultimately just to remember how I felt back then.
Since then, I have become an almost Facebook "addict" and regularly updated status with my most blunt of thoughts and feelings. I have restrained from doing that lately as far more people see my facebook statuses (Statusi!?) than ever read my myspace blogs, and actually start to realise that maybe I am actually a little bit psychotic, and not the calm (sometimes grumpy) individual I try so hard to appear to be.
Here are my most recent, and relatively tame statuses:
(I really am restrained. Honest)
Today
Tony is the most psychotic of swans.11:33pm
Tony feels low.10:03pm
Tony is off to feed the George...5:32pm
Yesterday
Tony has a migraine.7:52pm
Tony can't relax let alone sleep! Always having more than one concurrent train of thought is annoying, but more than 2 is simply ridiculous...12:02am
July 9
Tony needs sleep...1:47am
July 8
Tony is offering £100 for a lift from Luton!!!!!10:42am
Tony has missed his flight. Fuck.9:36am
July 7
Tony will be in Auschwitz and Birkenau today.2:11pm
Tony is off to auschwitz with a stereotyping plum!10:26am
July 5
Tony is in Krakow, with the sunshine!10:48am
Tony is up, and off to the airport...4:48am
July 4
Tony is already at work. Long day ahead, and an early flight after :(.7:35am
July 2
Tony is yawning constantly.8:21pm
July 1
Tony is a bit bored, waiting in A&E. I thought this was all in the past!!3:34pm
June 30
Tony is full of fajitas!!!7:10pm
June 29
Tony didn't gain much comfort from the bad food.10:26pm
Tony is comfort eating.8:33pm
June 28
Tony is quite comfy, and relaxed.12:24pm
June 27
Tony does, ashamedly, like the 'Grease' soundtrack..!8:53pm
Tony Thought butlins was rough. He wasn't wrong.6:35pm
Tony is in 1st gear, still in Weston...4:03pm
Tony is off to Butlins. Hmmmmm...3:20pm
June 26
Tony loves coffee, and doesn't care that it's bad for him!12:32pm
June 25
Tony is, unexpectedly, on his way to see Bon Jovi!4:32pm
June 23
Tony is in bed...Zzzz...10:53pm
June 22
Tony starts from square one again today...11:54pm
Tony is in bed already.9:54pm
Tony is watching the AMERICAN Life on Mars! Weird.1:11pm
June 20
Tony is not impressed with the grey skies.3:42pm
June 19
Tony is a in permanent state of cognitive dissonance.11:45pm
Tony is in bed.11:38pm
Tony doesn't generally give long answers to closed questions ;).11:06pm
Tony is going to be lazy and indulgent this summer's eve...7:01pm
June 18
Tony is achey.3:34pm
Tony woke up 2 hours before his alarm.10:25am
June 17
Tony "I'm one card short of a full deck".11:02pm
Tony isn't quite the ticket.10:59pm
June 16
Tony is in need of rejuvenation.8:02am
June 15
Tony is fuzzy.12:16pm
June 14
Tony off to Alton Towers.8:08am
June 13
Tony is in bed ready for an early start.10:16pm
Tony couldn't be much angrier.8:22pm
Tony It's Been Emotional.2:18pm
June 12
Tony feels the weight of the world.11:39pm
Tony is looking mighty fine. Even if he does say so himself!4:35pm
June 11
Tony has whiplash from his bungee jump!8:19pm
June 10
Tony needs lengthy, uninterrupted sleep. Please.11:07pm
Tony is fat.10:02pm
Tony is irritated with melodramatic kids.5:33pm
Tony is reading about law and stuff. Reet clever like.9:04am
June 9
Tony is in bed.10:17pm
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